Mart-deBlog

New Year is called Sylvester in Germany. I think there is only one true Sylvester feeling, and it is very simple, in mental echo: I am 23, I live in Berlin and - although some stuff is missing in my life - I am more than good anyway. Thanks to those who still read the crap on my humble blog.
Have a good 2008!

"You are so rational"
I hear it often, and it always means something like "You are a coldhearted, calculating, unromantic asshole." It means you do not feel. And I am so sick of it. Sometimes it seems you are allowed to be either a sensitive emotional soul or a calculator. Of course everyone understands the simple idea that these things are not opposed at all and that there are many who are emotional-rational and not to forget ones who are rational-emotional. Still, I hear it too often that I am just rational whenever I decide something that is not appreciated by others. The simple thought of the mixture-people can be pushed a little:
1. If you are an emotional rational then you emotionalize your thoughts, you reason about a situation and then feel something about the outcome. The origin is a calculated thought, the outcome a supposedly intense and intuitive feeling. And I suspect these people are best at cursing me for being "such a rational fucker" because they constantly fool themselves into believing that they act on gut feeling and deep-rooted emotions. And they can forget the hidden deliberations because they trust their calculation's outcome such that it is forgotten in the sensitive colors it gets. Seriously, the people I know who call themselves sensitive and intuitive are to me the most carefully deliberated people, who desperately long for being spontaneous and unpredictable. Sad.
2. If you are a rational emotional then you rationalize your emotions, which is quite different from the previous person. Your reactions are based on how you feel, and only afterwards do you explain them to yourselves. Maybe the reasoning is part of becoming more secure in your actions or maybe it is part of covering up your motives, to hide yourself from yourself because you find your emotions ugly or you simply do not want to know your emotions.
* Of course this is all just simple-minded pseudo psychology, yet people are more eager to say they know all this than actually acting like they know it. So let us hammer on it for a while.
** Of course, while you read it, you identified with the second category, everyone does although few actually are. I believe the rational emotionals are by far in the minority. I myself have thought a lot about what I am and genuinely think I indeed rationalize my emotions. And therefore I am pissed with being called rational. This weblog is itself a way to rationalize my emotions, and this two way character table of this post might be nothing more than a flake image of how I feel about being emotional and rational: "don't fucking make me the one or the other!" Or we should simply stop thinking in these terms at all, they are really quite pathetic, aren't they?

Of the many spheres in life, my time in Berlin leads me deep into the experience of the night. The night has come to stand for the world I experience and the mood of my character. In the night, there is the endless studying. And as I read the deeper I descend into the quiet and as I write, others seem unreal. The night is not dark. And it is all but sad. It is simply quiet and empty. Every book is a preparation for a next day, but simultaneously it is an end in itself as if nothing comes afterward. As a night does not truly end, it is only negated by the sun: the night lasts in the corners where the sun does not reach. And the submersion into books is the same movement as the journey through Berlin's nightlife. I do not know Berlin by day, I know it by its shadowplay. With a bottle of beer in my hand, Berlin passes by the window of the trains in the night. And in the clubs I journey through an underworld where one is not allowed to look back, where the day does not exist. Amongst the freaks of the nightclub I am sane, blind as the dark beats maim my senses, silence the voice of thoughts and turn them light and fleeting. As I dance, I learn about the space in between ideas, as they become a lightly breeze. And coming outside I am alone while everyone sleeps, they appear to be standing still as I move onwards through the shining dark. All is in nocturnal peace.

And that is the mood of how I live; the world I experience an empty sky, wherein ethereal clouds are passing by, a breeze and the sound of silence.