Mart-deBlog

I can't sleep. Why? Restless, Sad, Troubled? Nope. It's philosophy.
I just realized, I haven't written much about philosophy and that is a mistake. It's like lying by not telling what is supposed to be told. Now don't worry, I'm not planning to drop Platonic bombs, but maybe it will be a sort of prologue, I don't know. For some reason people hate philosophers, you always need to introduce it slowly, by metaphors preferably. Don't tell me that it's not true; if you start philozophizing it will often meet aggression, jealousy or competition. Sometimes I enjoy the thought that people cannot stand other people philosophizing, because it confirms too radically that other people have a mind. Of course, everyone knows that other people must have a mind just like your own, but you don't want to know that too well. And, when you do philosophize it is if their minds get scared, and then they bare their teeth. It's funny in a sadistic kind of way. Anyway, that will be for another time.
So, I can't sleep because my mind is philosophizing beyond control. It is because of this philosopher called Deleuze, and if you're truly interested the Deleuze wikipedia will do (in my humble opinion the last philosopher genius thatwe have to figure out before we can continue philosophizing). Today I read an article by him titled 'Nomadic Thought', which defends the thesis that Nietzsche is a nomadic thinker, the meaning of which Deleuze explains during the text. Philosophy before Nietzsche is codified, but in contrast, Nietzsche uncodifies and does not recodify, which makes that the meaning of Nietzsche is not contained in the text that he writes, but in the force that takes possession of the text, a reader let's say. Codes are institutions, laws and contracts; and Nietzsche never pours his ideas in any of these containers. In simpler words, the thoughts of Nietzsche roam somewhere outside the text, wandering like a Nomad who resists fixation in form and argument. Thereby Nietzsche creates the right to be misinterpreted. And therefore it does not matter whether I or anyone agree with Deleuze's conception of Nietzsche's thought, it only matters that I cannot sleep. Not because of one specific thought, or question, or argument; but because there are suddenly so many fragmentary thoughts taking off in all directions, to Spinoza, to Kant, to Socrates and to myself. And for some reason I feel exactly ((yes, to be a good philosopher is to be infinitely arrogant, (and even that is self-referential))) what Deleuze is saying: awake.

People who read this blog have come to me, sometimes a little shocked, about the depressed content of certain posts. The last one was written in a slightly drunken state, "Caught in void". This time I will write about myself from a more objective standpoint; I took a big psychological test and yes indeed, I am officially depressed. I don't really care though and want to explain why.

One of my courses this year is Clinical Psychology, about psychotherapy. I get on well with the professor who is a practicing therapist himself and he offered me to do the famous MMPI test outside class time. The MMPI is based on large empirical research of psychotic diseases and their symptoms, it is the standard test that is applied when you enter therapy. It consists of 600 questions. To make this post not too boring, you can do an official psychological test yourself, although it is a supertiny one. Do the Myers-Briggs (don't worry, just character traits on couple of scales) by surfing here.

So Dr. Dunn comes to me and asks "were you honest in your answers" and I answer that I was. Then he says he needs some time to discuss it and so I went there for half an hour today in my break. In a nutshell:
1. I have a depression, to a (severe) clinical degree.
2. I do not suffer to an unbearable degree. Meaning that the depression has been long-lasting and I have found a way to cope with the depression myself. Or in other words, I do not have a depressive episode but rather a depressed personality.
3. I readily admit issues (such as I do now) but nobody can help me with it. I do not trust/believe/want help from the outside. Therapy could maybe only help if longterm (on average, five years of therapy).

Of course there was more information, about my cynical character, shyness, etc etc but the depression scale was clearly the biggest issue. Especially interesting was the combination of the depression, my resistance against help from the outside, and So then you hear this psychotherapist telling you all the things you already know, and which everyone who knows me suspected. What do you do with this information? Well let me give my compacted ideas, whether it sounds like a defense mechanism you can judge for yourself;-).

This notorious MMPI is based on statistical research, so on averages of a group. I can experience my depression differently than any other would experience it, even when the symptoms are the same. Also the MMPI is American, coming from the culture where deviation and non-conformism is considered a disease and unhappiness a sickness. I believe the experience of tragedy in life is just as intens and beautiful as the experience of happiness, even more it is the sense of melancholia that gives meaning to euphoria and vice versa. America has the best universities in the world, still every genius in America comes from Europe, and I believe partly this is because of the tragedy that is taboo in America and embraced in Europe. Nietszche would agree with me. Curing my depression would mean veiling part of my (supposedly 'over'sensitive) experience of life, I just experience somedarker realms as well as the lighter days. The occasional wandering in the darker regions of life only signal authentic and real experiences. It is in the differences from other people where our individuality lies, almost all my friends have slight psychotic features and that is only the expression of their uniqueness, I appreciate them for it: they know areas of life I don't and most people don't. And fuck-it, I just don't care that I am depressed. Ha!