19 March 2006
13.35. Yesterday afternoon - My thoughts flow in messy circles: 'it won't be there'. 'there can't be a letter'. I was using my secret technique, a childhood treasure I sometimes feel to call upon, I call it the reverse-hope-future-forcing technique. This technique is surely not aimed to cover myself from disappointments but rather an attempt to control my will, or actually force my will upon the future; an attempt to balance out hope into empty desinterest; or something like that. Hope always messes things up. So yeah, this will had to be crystal clear, without dusty recognitions of the things called 'chance' and 'propabilities.' No chance. No interest but mere disinterest. No mind-pervading wish.' no letter. it wont be there... ' But chance had it that there was a letter lying in the far end of my mailbox. I felt as if I was knocked with my back to a train speeding into the future: gone control, gone reverse-hope-future-forcing technique; disinterest was helplessly sucked into a swirl of hope. I want to go to Hong Kong. I always wanted to go to China. And, so I zombied into the concrete entrance hall of our dining hall while ripping open the envelope: 'Gefeliciteerd' and happiness. Ofcourse, I knew I was going there.?.
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